No Help for Idiots
by Mikauzoran
Summary: Today is the day! Christmas Eve, and Heiji is finally going to tell Kazuha how he feels…unless he manages to mess it up…which is very likely. Can the gang band together to assist their favorite idiot, or is there really no helping Hattori Heiji?


Mikau: Happy New Year! So on the Poirot Café forum we did a Secret Santa exchange this year. I got drafted to do this last minute, but this one is for Shihominn. She wanted Heiji and Kazuha doing couple things on Christmas Eve…but I had never written Heizuha before, I don't really love the pairing, and I have _veeeery_ little experience with either character, so…this crazy fun-ness happened. ^.^; I had two days to whip this up, so I basically spent six minutes coming up with the idea and then the next day and a half writing like mad. But I actually think it turned out pretty well. Here's hoping you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: DCMK is the intellectual property of Aoyama Gosho, and this fic was requested by Shihominn on Poirot Café for the Secret Santa exchange.

…

No Help for Idiots

Kaito gazed expectantly across the table at Heiji. He twirled a strand of his long, chocolate wig absentmindedly around his finger as his head coquettishly tipped to the side. "What is it, Hei-chan? You had something you wanted to tell me?"

Heiji gulped, gripping the edge of the table until his knuckles turned white as opals. He averted his gaze as the tan skin of his face turned red like a car fire.

"I…" The Osakan's voice cracked, and he started again. "I jus' wanted t' tell ya that…I love you. I've loved ya fer a long time now." He swallowed hard once more in an attempt to rehydrate his suddenly Saharan mouth. "…Since I first saw ya, actually. So…I was jus' wonderin'…would ya…would ya wanna…date 'n stuff?"

Heiji snuck a tentative glance up at Kaito…who was looking decidedly not amused.

The cross-dressing magician rolled his eyes with a sigh of despair. "Seriously? Dude, that was weak!" he chided. "Do you really think that's the impassioned confession that Kazu-chan deserves?! You _do_ love her, right?"

"O' course I do!" Heiji snorted indignantly.

"Well, I'm not feeling it in a wimpy confession like that," Kaito retorted in frustration.

They had done this countless times in the weeks leading up to the big event, and Heiji was _still_ unable to make a passable confession.

"I mean," Kaito continued, beginning to lose his patience and retrograde into a rant. "Where are your balls, Man?! Don't you just want to grab her and pull her into a hot, sloppy kiss?!"

"Yeah," Heiji growled, wanting nothing more than to grab Kaito and give him a very violent kiss with his fist.

"Well, then show it, for Pete's sake!" Kaito shouted. "Make eye contact! Take her by the hands and pull her close! Don't confess to the table in a half-hearted mumble! LOOK at her and declare your feelings like a man!"

"Well, maybe I'm havin' such a hard time 'cause I have t' practice with _you_ , Heiji barked, reaching his limit. They'd been at this for innumerable hours the past few weeks.

Hakuba Saguru, who had been sitting nearby on the sofa in the Kudo's study, looked up from his Terry Pratchett novel and glared railroad spikes at his rival. "Excuse me? Is that to say that there is something _wrong_ with my boyfriend that doesn't inspire passion within you?"

Hakuba's tone promised back alley murder at an affirmative response from Heiji, but the Detective of the West didn't back down.

"Yeah, there's somethin' wrong with 'im—that Y chromosome uh his. That might not be a problem fer th' sausage-lovin' Brit in attendance, but fer me, that's jus' too much man. How'm I suppose t' confess my love fer Kazuha t' him?!"

"How dare you!" Hakuba snapped his book shut, rising to defend his boyfriend's honor even as said boyfriend commenced expert-level pouting.

"Out of pity for your deplorable ineptitude at interpersonal communication, I am graciously allowing you to fraternize with my boyfriend, and yet you _dare_ to turn up your nose, you ungrateful—"

"—Whoa," Heiji cut him off, getting to his feet as well in order to confront the blonde. "There is absolutely NO fraternizin' goin' on here!"

Kaito sighed tragically, pulling off his wig. "Yeah. And that's the problem. Seriously, Hei-chan, what do you want me to do? We already tried disguising me as Kazuha-chan, and you said that me using her face and voice was creepy. You also thought practicing by yourself in the mirror was weird, and when we tried confessing to me as a boy, you couldn't do it either." Kaito's voice rose into a shrill whine as he continued, visibly agitated at their repeated failure. "And now, now that I'm cross-dressing in my sexiest little outfit, that's not enough for you either! I'm done, Hei-chan," Kaito pouted. "I've done everything I can, and it's still not enough for you! So we're through, Hei-chan. I need to be with a man who can appreciate me!"

And with a tearful, choked sob, Kaito rose from the table, letting his chair clatter to the floor as he launched himself into Hakuba's waiting arms.

"It's all right, Dove," Saguru cooed, nuzzling his boyfriend's neck and running a hand soothingly through Kaito's hair. "Leave that moron to his fate. There's nothing more you can do."

Heiji turned up his nose (partially in disgust and partially in jealousy) at the fairy tale couple as they cuddled and kissed. With a frown, he turned away from the public display of affection and fixed his eyes on his last bastion of hope.

"Kuuuudooooo," Heiji moaned. "Heeeeelp meeee."

"How? I mean…" Shinichi—who had hitherto been trying to avoid any direct responsibility for the success or failure of the mission—slowly looked up from 1001 Ridiculous Ways to Die. He was loath to tell his best friend that there was no help for a social degenerate like him, but…

"Well, how th' hell didja confess t' Aoko-chan?" Heiji looked at Shinichi with desperate, pleading eyes.

Kaito and Hakuba stopped making out long enough to send twin curious glances Shinichi's way.

"Yeah," Kaito purred. "How exactly did that happen? Aoko would never tell me. Was it super embarrassing?" A mischievous gleam lit up Kaito's violet eyes, spelling trouble. "She always blushes when I bring it up."

Shinichi's own cheeks burned pretty red in their own right as he glared at Kaito. "Well, I seem to remember the Kaitou Kid locking the two of us in a closet for a couple hours," the Heisei Holmes snorted. "After we finally escaped, I took her out to eat and confessed at the restaurant." He turned next to Heiji, losing the heat from his words. "Honestly, it was just kind of a spur of the moment sort of thing…that I can't help but feel like Kaito heinously orchestrated."

"Is it really heinous if my scheming was for the greater good of your and Aoko's happiness?" Kaito wondered aloud.

" _Everything_ you do is heinous," Shinichi hissed, but it was more show than anything. He was too proud to admit how grateful he was to Kaito for pushing him towards Aoko after things had fizzled out and died with Ran.

"He's got a point," Saguru snickered, pressing a playful kiss to the base of his boyfriend's throat.

"I guess the best advice I can give you is to just let things happen naturally," Shinichi decided with a shrug. "That, and just trust in Kaito to stage manage," he begrudgingly added in a grumble.

To which Heiji frowned deeply, immensely worried, and Kaito smirked in triumph, letting out a signature "Kekekeke!" of victory.

…

An hour later, the guests began to trickle in, starting with Sera and Ran.

Shinichi (who was on door duty) tried to be as normal as possible around his ex and her new partner, but he found it difficult. "Uh…Hey there, Ran…Sera-san. Thanks for coming…and…uh…sorry for interrupting date night."

Ran greeted him warmly enough, waving away his concern about ruined dates. "Oh, no. We're glad to be here to support Hattori-kun and Kazuha-chan."

"Besides," Sera jumped in, giving Shinichi a solid smack on the back. "We're having date night when we get home."

"Oh." Shinichi's cheeks turned red, but he tried not to make a funny face as mental images of what that could mean surfaced. It was, frankly, weird for his childhood friend and crush to now be with another woman…however gender neutral Sera actually was. He had to wonder in the back of his mind if _he_ had driven her to lesbianism…if maybe he'd push Aoko into Koizumi's arms next.

"Masumi~" Ran giggled, making googly eyes at her lover.

"What? Just a home-cooked, candlelit dinner, some wine, soft music, dancing around the living room… I didn't mean it to sound dirty," the other detective chuckled, a perpetually happy-go-lucky grin glue to her lips. "It's his fault if he interpreted it that way."

Ran gave her girlfriend a playful roll of the eyes before turning back to Shinichi. "Where's Aoko-san? Is she coming tonight?"

"She's busy hosting her own Christmas party," Shinichi sighed, kind of wishing his own girlfriend were there for moral support. "It's kind of a family tradition of hers, so we're celebrating Christmas Eve together tomorrow."

Nothing really romantic, of course. He'd be going over to her house to spend the evening with her father and his officers. It was bound to be a rowdy, bawdy, boozy night of party games and more conversations than he could count on one hand going at the same time. He'd be glad if he could sneak in five minutes all together alone with Aoko. But that Taskforce was family to her, part of the package, and he accepted that just as Aoko accepted the corpses littering the sidewalk every time they went out in public together.

Thankfully, Shinichi was saved further awkward conversation with the ex and her new flame by good old Kaito.

"Mi-chan! Ran-chan!" the magician exclaimed, rushing forward to greet his friends and envelope them both in bone-crushing hugs.

"Hey, Kai-chan!" Ran trilled in delight. "It's so good to see you!"

"You look so sharp in your tux!" Sera chuckled, fighting the urge to muss Kaito's slicked-back hair. "Where's Haku-chan? He's here, yeah?"

"Over here," Saguru called at a suitable indoor volume from down the hall in the kitchen. He emerged just a minute later carrying the cheese and cracker tray that was to go on the coffee table in the living room. "Just putting the finishing touches on things." He set down his burden in its designated location before returning to cordially greet his friends. "And how are you ladies this evening? That's a lovely dress, Ran-san. It compliments your eyes."

Ran giggled as Saguru took her hand and kissed it with a princely bow.

"Hey now," Sera chuckled, putting a possessive arm around Ran's waist. "Don't be hitting on my Ran, Haku-chan, or I'll start putting the moves on Kai-chan."

Kaito bounced up to his boyfriend, slinging his arms around Saguru's neck. He smirked impishly as he leaned in and whispered, "And you know how easy I am."

"I'll make sure to keep an eye on you then, yes?" Saguru gave Kaito a predatory grin as he pulled him in closer. Lust filled his words and shone in his eyes.

" _Yes_ ," Kaito hummed, nipping Saguru teasingly on the nose.

…

Next up to arrive was Sonoko, sans fiancé as he was currently in a tournament in Okinawa for the holidays.

"Kudo," she greeted the door boy coolly, still not quite over the whole "guy who ruined best friend's high school years" thing. "Where's Aoko-san? Did you get dumped? Serves you right."

"Hey, Sonoko," Shinichi sighed, trying to keep an amiable smile on his face, trying to be pleasant. This was Kazuha and Heiji's night. They were all there to support _them_. This wasn't about Sonoko and Shinichi's personal issues with one another. "You should go find Kaito. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to see you. Check in the living room, why don't you?"

"I think I will," she sniffed primly…and then let out a fangirl squeal when she spotted her long-time idol. "Kai-chan! How have you been!?"

"Sono-chan!" Kaito returned, every bit as shrilly.

Women (and Kaito, a sub-class thereof) were like banshees when they got together, always "kya-kya"-ing their heads off. It gave Shinichi a migraine just listening to it, so it was no wonder girls always complained of headaches. It was probably from the constant exposure.

"Why, don't you look debonair in that suit!" Sonoko wailed, to which Kaito responded with a comment about her designer dress.

Shinichi had to suppress an eye roll and a wry grin. But he didn't have long to ruminate on the imagined vices of women, however, because another guest soon arrived.

Sonoko was closely followed by the unknowing, unsuspecting star of the evening, Kazuha herself.

"Good evening, Kazuha-san!" Shinichi did his best to smile and be welcoming. He wanted this evening to be special for the idiot couple, so he tried to start things off by being agreeable.

"Oh, hey, Kudo-kun!" Kazuha smiled and waved affably in her usual bubbly way. "Thanks fer having th' party. I've been looking forward t' this all month!" she chuckled.

"Oh? Good." He smiled back, a little forced. He hadn't actually spoken much to Kazuha before, even as Conan, much less so as Shinichi, so he felt a little awkward. "Well, hopefully it won't disappoint."

"Oh, nah. I'm sure it'll be a blast!" she laughed, still grinning.

Shinichi had run out of things to say.

If he were Kaito, he'd say something nice about her outfit or accessories or hairstyle, but he really didn't know much about all that girly stuff…unless it just so happened to figure in a murder.

If he were Hakuba, he'd make polite conversation, charming her with his manners and grace…but Shinichi couldn't make small talk like Hakuba…unless it had something to do with digging for information for a case.

If he were Hattori…well, he'd probably insult Kazuha, tell her that everyone else was already there, ask her why she was so late, and then insult her again by either not noticing or discounting the hard work she'd put into her physical appearance…but Shinichi knew that that was definitely not the way to go about things.

Though, speaking of Hattori…

"You know, Hattori's in the kitchen getting a couple last-minute things ready. After you say hi to people, could you go back and let him know we're all here so Kaito can do his show?"

That ought to give the couple-to-be a little alone time in which to set the mood.

"Oh. Okay," Kazuha replied with less enthusiasm than Shinichi would have expected.

"Something…wrong?" He bit his lip. He wasn't good at this kind of thing…unless there was a murder investigation underfoot. Funny how he could adapt so easily when given the proper motivation.

"Oh, it's nothin'," she assured, putting a bright grin back on her face as she stepped past Shinichi and into the hall. "I'll be sure t' tell 'im. Thanks again, Kudo-kun!"

…

Meanwhile, the man of the evening was back in the kitchen, practicing his lines and arranging the fruit Hakuba had already cut up on the fruit tray.

"I…I love you," he muttered to the bite-sized pieces of cantaloupe. "I've always loved ya," he declared in a hush to the honeydew. "…So would ya wanna go out with me?" he propositioned the strawberries.

Somehow it sounded contrived. He just couldn't put the right feelings behind the words. Something was missing, but he couldn't figure out what.

And then Kazuha showed up, utterly derailing his train of thought. It rolled into a ditch where it caught fire—a complete loss.

"Hiya, Heiji," she called softly, waving…a bit demurely. It was odd for her to be shy, especially around him.

"Oh!" He jumped, dropping a grape. "Oh, hey. Hey, Kazuha. What's…up?" He floundered to recover his composure.

She shrugged, standing awkwardly in the doorway, letting her left arm hang limp at her side as she nervously rubbed at her elbow with her other hand. "What were ya mumblin' about t' the fruit?"

"N-Nothing!" He immediately flew on the defensive, and a hint of irritation flared up in his voice. "I wuz jus'…ya know. Talkin' to 'em. Don't ya know that fruit tastes sweeter if ya talk t' it while it's growin'? Studies have proved it!"

Kazuha's eyes narrowed skeptically. "Okay, but they're not growin' _now_. They're already cut. Seems t' me it'd be too late t' make 'em any sweeter."

"Oh, whadda _you_ know?" Heiji scoffed in his embarrassment, turning prickly as a form of defense.

Thankfully, before the situation could further escalate, Hakuba returned to the kitchen for the vegetable tray, interrupting the spat.

"Everything quite all right?" he addressed Kazuha before turning to frown discreetly at Heiji. "I thought I heard idiocy and bickering."

"It's fine," Kazuha assured in a clipped tone that clearly said that it really wasn't.

"This is jus' th' way we talk t' each other," Heiji snorted, further irritated by what he perceived as his rival's meddling.

"I'm surprised she tolerates you. That's not a very nice way to speak to a lady," Saguru hummed in disapproval.

"Like _you_ know anythin' about talkin' t' ladies, ya homo," Heiji snarled, fed up with his tormentor's constant nagging and rebukes. Hakuba'd been at it for weeks now.

"Heiji!" Kazuha gasped, shooting her crush a dirty look.

"It's quite all right," Hakuba assured with a nonchalant shrug. "After all, _I'm_ in a happy, committed relationship.

Heiji gurgled in a paroxysm of rage but said nothing.

"Speaking of which," Saguru turned back to Kazuha with a winning grin. "Kaito is getting ready to start his show in the den, if you'd like to head on in."

"Thanks, Hakuba-kun," Kazuha smiled weakly, bowing slightly as she left to join the others.

Meanwhile, Saguru was casting the other Osakan a pitying gaze.

"What?" Heiji snapped sullenly, desperately wishing he could control his temper and just honestly say what he felt.

Saguru shook his head and softly replied, "Just…try to keep your head on straight…okay?"

…

Kaito's magic show did much to dissolve the tension. Everyone was laughing and smiling, oohing and aahing over Kaito's seemingly miraculous feats.

Most importantly to the success of the mission, Kazuha was having a wonderful time, and Heiji was set at ease by the spectacle.

Kaito juggled rainbow-colored scarves which turned to technicolored doves and then morphed into brightly colored balls before going back to scarves.

He produced flowers out of all sorts of peculiar places for each of the girls, but those unexpectedly transformed into butterflies, so Kaito had to produce additional flowers out of thin air.

"And for my next trick," Kaito announced with a flourish. "I need a little help."

Shinichi—for once in his life—attempted to shrink so as to make himself less noticeable and, therefore, less likely to be volunteered.

"Don't worry, Shin-chan," Kaito snickered. "Audience participation doesn't come until later. I just need to borrow a pocket watch…which should be right in here," Kaito declared, helping himself to his boyfriend's inside jacket pocket.

Saguru's face paled, eyes widening in dread. He could only get out the syllable "Wai—" before it was too late and Kaito's hand closed around the distinctly non-pocket watch object that was currently occupying its usual spot.

Kaito blinked as befuddlement made itself at home on his features. His brow only furrowed all the more as he withdrew his hand and, in it, found a ring box.

A quiet mumble of confused excitement went through the group.

"That's…not your pocket watch," Kaito observed astutely.

"No," Saguru sighed. "That got left at home today to make room. _This_ ," He reached out and gently took the box from Kaito. "…is for later tonight. You can have it then," Saguru promised with a rosy blush. "I-If you want it, that is."

"It's…for _me_?" Kaito whispered in awe, struck dumb by the very idea.

Saguru looked Kaito in the eye and resolutely nodded.

Tears of joy streamed freely down Kaito's cheeks as he launched forward, wrapping his arms around Saguru's neck and covering his beloved's face in kisses between gasps of "Yes! …Yes, yes, yes!"

"I haven't even asked you yet," Saguru laughed loudly, over the moon at the news, regardless of its prematurity.

"But the answer's still yes!" Kaito trilled with glee.

And their friends all clapped and whistled in excitement, giving them playful shoves and hugs and all kinds of hell over it until Saguru finally managed to quiet them down a good ten minutes later.

"Why don't you go on with your show, then, Dove?" Hakuba gently urged as everyone settled back into place.

"Oh, yeah," Kaito chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "Wow. I totally lost my train of thought. Where was I?"

As the show got back under way, Heiji overheard Kazuha whisper to Ran, "Kai-chan's so lucky…an' Hakuba-kun's such a great guy too. I'm really jealous. Nothin' romantic like that ever happens t' me."

Ran grimaced and replied, "Just hold on, Kazuha-chan. Things will work out."

Kazuha looked unsatisfied, and it pained Heiji. "But…" she muttered. "I've already waited fer so long. I'm thinkin' maybe I need t' give up and move on like you did."

"No, no, no," Ran assured, waving her hands frantically. "Just…just wait a little longer, okay? Just a little longer."

Kazuha frowned, still seeming conflicted, but she shrugged and muttered, "If ya say so, Ran-chan."

Heiji's resolve was instantly strengthened. He had to do this NOW, _tonight_! Or he risked losing her forever. Oh, how he wished he could just look her in the eye and tell her what she meant to him.

Kazuha wasn't the only one jealous of Kaito and Hakuba's fairy tale romance. If only it were that easy for Heiji.

…

After the magic show wrapped up, things moved into the dining room where everybody grabbed a plate.

The boys stayed in the dining room with their food to pow-wow while the girls (three of them being on diets to get ready for bikini season) moved into the living room and away from the temptation of seconds.

Strangely enough…or maybe not so strange after all, Kaito ended up in the den with the biological women while Sera stayed in the dining room with the guys.

No one in attendance batted an eye at the arrangements.

"So, you ready for this, Hattori-kun?" Sera inquired, taking a big bite of her KFC chicken wing.

Heiji nearly slammed his face into the mashed potatoes as he groaned.

"Come on, Hattori. You've got this," Shinichi reassured. "I mean, you've been practicing for weeks now. You're prepared."

Heiji let his head thunk softly to the table, narrowly missing the gravy bowl. "Guys, I can't do this. It's gonna be a disaster. There's too much pressure, and I'm seriously stressed out."

"Hattori, there's nothing to stress about," Hakuba chimed in kindly, for once, without an ounce of snark. "She's going to say yes, so there's nothing to worry about."

"Says th' guy who stressed me out an' turned th' pressure up by gettin' engaged!" Heiji growled.

Saguru bit his lip, oddly without a good retort against someone other than Kaito for the first time. "Well…that was Kaito's fault. It wasn't supposed to happen until later, but technically we're engaged to be engaged since no actual proposal occurred."

"Still, Haku-chan, anyone would be stressed after that romantic scene between you and Kai-chan," Sera pointed out, helping herself to another roll. "That's gonna be a hard act to follow."

"Thanks fer reminding me," Heiji groaned miserably.

"Guys," Shinichi scolded, reaching for the bruschetta. "No one's helping. Let's just…talk about how great Osaka is?"

Heiji perked right up like a sunflower. And things continued rather well until Kaito appeared baring bad news.

…

The girls, hoping to save their waistlines, migrated away from the food epicenter and settled in the den with Kaito in tow.

Conversation first focused on Kaito's upcoming engagement, and shrill harpy screeches of excitement filled the air. Next, they moved on to Sonoko's wedding…to be held sometime in the indefinite future. There was still a thrill of enthusiasm humming around them, but it was more muted because Sonoko relished being engaged and yet was apprehensive about actually being married.

Talk of relationships gradually gave way to talk of the future as they discussed Ran and Sera's new apartment, Ran's law school classes, Sonoko's fashion designing ventures, and Kaito's recent appearance on the morning show to help promote his new, headlining act scheduled to open next month.

"And how's teaching going, Kazuha-chan? You're in charge of…elementary students, aren't you?" Sonoko prompted politely, realizing that their Osakan friend hadn't gotten much opportunity to speak in the past fifteen minutes.

Kazuha tried to smile, but it came off looking forced. "It's…good. I mean…my students are really cute, an' most of 'em are pretty eager t' learn. Well, I've got a few punks, but…they're not too bad. I can whip 'em int' shape without too much trouble, but…"

The fake smile slid away, and Kazuha looked down at her plate, a troubled expression taking over. "I don't know, guys. I feel like…you all know where yer goin' in life, and I…I feel like I'm just stuck, spinning my wheels in th' mud…with my job and with my love life."

"Oh, Kazu-chan," Kaito cooed, getting up from the floor and climbing into her armchair with her, perching himself quite acrobatically on the arm.

Sonoko and Ran followed close behind him, coming over from the couch to crowd around their friend, giving her support.

"Hang in there," Ran repeated weakly, wishing there was something more she could say to encourage Kazuha.

"Yeah, it'll get better," Sonoko tried to convince her. "Who knows? Hattori-kun could confess any day now, and by next week you could be happy and carefree with a whole future ahead of you as a couple."

"She's right," Kaito jumped in, giving Kazuha a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "Things change so quickly."

Kazuha shook her head. "But nothin's changed in _years_ , guys. And…I'm kind of tired of waitin'. I'm thinking…" She bit her lip, trying to arrange her thoughts. "Ya see, th' PE teacher kind of asked me out th' other day, and…"

Everyone's eyes went wide in shock and dismay, and they all gasped in turns, "What?!", "No way! Is he cute?", and "What did you say to him, Kazu-chan?!"

Kazuha fidgeted, mumbling in response, "His name is Ariyoshi-san, and he's really nice. He's a little older than we are, but…he's handsome, a real gentleman. I told 'im that I needed some time to think about it 'cause there was someone I had liked for a long time that I didn't think I was quite ready to give up on yet, and…he was really sweet about it. He said he'd wait for my answer, so I should take my time and make sure."

Sonoko pursed her lips. "Kazuha-chan, he sounds like a keeper. Are you sure you want to pass on this Ariyoshi guy just so Hattori-kun can bad-mouth you?"

"Sonoko," Ran softly shided.

"What?" the heiress snorted indignantly. "I know we're supposed to be on Hattori-kun's side, but aren't we primarily Kazuha-chan's friends? Shouldn't we be pushing her to do what's best for _her_? Even if Hattori-kun does confess, will she really be happy with him? He's far from Prince Charming."

Silence fell between them as Ran considered Sonoko's words.

Kazuha seemed to be mulling them over too.

"Maybe…if it's upsetting," Kaito broke in gently, "let's not think about it tonight. It's something Kazu-chan will have to sit and really think about before she decides for herself, so let's not pressure her or try to tell her one way or the other, okay? It's her future, and she should be the one to decide what makes her happy."

"But what if I don't know?" Kazuha whispered, tears coming to the corners of her eyes and slowly spilling over. "I've been thinking about it and thinking about it fer a week, and…I still don't know what t' do."

Sonoko and Ran looked on in pity as Kaito took a deep breath and sighed. He bit his lip and finally replied, "Then just think of it this way: you don't have to marry Ariyoshi if you agree to go out with him. It's just a date. Things might not even make it to date number two, so stop taking it so seriously."

Kazuha looked up in open-mouthed surprise, and even Sonoko and Ran seemed taken aback by Kaito's advice.

He shrugged. "Dating Ariyoshi doesn't preclude future happiness with Hattori. In fact, dating another guy might even spur your idiot detective to action. You can go out with Ariyoshi and then either find happiness with him or break things off and go out with Hattori afterwards. See? Nothing to cry over, right?"

A genuine smile slowly spread across Kazuha's lips, and she leaned in to awkwardly hug the magician. "Thanks, Kai-chan. You're the best."

"And don't you know it," Kaito snickered, savoring his victory for a moment before pulling back and hopping down from the arm of the chair. "Glad I could help, but if you'll excuse me, you ladies enjoy the rest of your together time. I need to go plot and scheme to make Hattori jealous."

"Ha!" Kazuha balked at the very idea. "Good luck with that."

"I don't need luck," Kaito purred. "I have skill."

…

"Guys, we've got a problem," Kaito announced as he hurried back into the dining room where the boys were just in the middle of discussing Osaka versus Hiroshima okonomiyaki.

Hakuba, Shinichi, Sera, and Heiji all looked up at him in confused apprehension, and when Kaito was sure he had their complete attention, he recounted what Kazuha had said about Ariyoshi…with some slight exaggerations.

And Hattori was…somewhere between crushed and enraged, ready to either throw in the towel or knock Ariyoshi's head off with a shinai.

"You're not just going to let this sleazy PE teacher win, are you?" Kaito challenged, only succeeding in pumping the Osakan up.

"Hell no!" Heiji shouted vehemently through clenched teeth.

"Good," Kaito snickered, a smirk growing upon his lips with every second. "Then all you have to do is follow my instructions. I'm gonna go make some modifications to the confession arena while you guys finish up eating. I'll be back in twenty. This is going to be epic."

And Kaito took off, headed in the direction of the study where they had planned to lure Kazuha later for the confession.

Meanwhile, Heiji was too busy seething about Ariyoshi daring to invade his turf that he didn't notice Hakuba looking awful smug about his boyfriend's astounding ability to manipulate.

…

After dinner, the gang all assembled in the game room to battle head to head in several friendly competitions.

Heiji and Shinichi teamed up against Kaito and Sera in a cutthroat game of pool while Hakuba and the girls amused themselves with a light game of ping-pong so as to avoid getting their dress clothes too sweaty.

Incidentally, Heiji and Shinichi got clobbered. Sera and Kaito were an unstoppable force.

Next, they made their way back into the living room to play Pictionary and Scrabble.

Heiji got up to go to the restroom about halfway through and mysteriously never returned…not that Kazuha seemed to notice. She was too busy crushing Sonoko at Pictionary.

Fifteen minutes after Heiji had originally left, Kaito managed to draw Kazuha away from the game with a light tug on her sleeve and a little toss of his head, indicating, "This way."

She raised an eyebrow at him, but obediently followed down the hall, not thinking to ask what was up until they were nearly at the study door. "Kai-chan…where are we going? …and why?"

Kaito winked and motioned towards the study. "Just go in there."

She frowned at him, suspecting the prankster of setting a trap.

He rolled his eyes. "It's a _good_ surprise. You'll like it. Trust me."

She scrutinized him once more before letting her suspicions go and heading into the dark room.

The door closed softly behind her, and, inside the study, a thousand Christmas lights hung like stars flickered on at once, producing a soft, candle light-like glow. They danced like fireflies bobbing to and fro on a midsummer's night, entrancing her with their beauty.

She didn't even hear the snow machine click on, but the next thing she knew, fake snowdrops began to rain down from the ceiling. She laughed, tipping her head back and opening her mouth to catch the flakes.

"Kaito really outdid himself, huh?" Heiji spoke softly, raising from the couch where he'd been seated.

"Heiji?" Kazuha gasped, turning to face him as he approached nervously, shoulders slumped and hands in his pockets.

"I never coulda thought of somethin' like this," he sighed, looking up in awe. "Th' guy's an artist."

"Yeah," Kazuha sighed, gazing reverently at the display like a star-struck toddler who still had her sense of wonder about the holidays.

"So…" Heiji awkwardly cleared his throat. "Hey…."

"Hey," Kazuha replied quietly, unwilling to disturb the profound peace enveloping them.

He motioned for her to follow him back over to the sofa to sit, and she did. But that left them in awkward silence yet again.

"Heiji, what's up with all this?" Kazuha asked tentatively, breaking the tranquil stillness as her curiosity finally caught up with her.

Heiji fidgeted a bit as he wracked his brain for an answer. They hadn't practiced this part. "I, uh… Uh…jus'… Kaito was, uh…helping me out."

She sent him an inquisitive look but didn't press.

His brow furrowed as he attempted to expound. "I…" He bit his lip, remembering what all the other guys had taught him.

Heiji took a deep breath, removed his hands from his pockets, and looked up, meeting Kazuha's gaze. He gulped, reaching out and taking her hand in his own as he admitted, "Kaito told me about that Ariyoshi guy that's after you."

Kazuha's eyes widened, but she remained silent, letting him talk.

"An' I…I was plannin' on doin' this anyway, so don't think this is just out of jealousy, but…now I know that I _have_ t' do it tonight, so…"

Her eyebrows pinched together in confusion. His thoughts were everywhere, and she couldn't follow him.

Heiji's face burned, and he tightened his grip on her hand.

And suddenly the knot in the pit of his stomach undid itself. His lungs untightened, and he was able to breathe.

Looking in her eyes gave him the courage and determination he needed to finally tell her what he wanted to say.

He took another breath, and it all fell into place, unscripted, naturally, as the lights twinkled and the snowflakes drifted down from above.

"Kazuha, we've been together fer a really long time, and so ya know I have trouble sayin' what I really mean. I get flustered 'n end up snappin' at you most of the time. I mean t' say somethin' nice, but…those words never quite make it past my tongue. I mean t' be kind, but I get embarrassed and end up hissin' and splutterin' instead…and I don't think I'm gonna get better with practice, but…you've stayed by my side this whole time regardless, and we've been through a lot together."

Here she nodded, silently encouraging him to go on, afraid to break this glorious spell with her voice.

He bit his lip and pushed forward. "'N somewhere along th' way, I started t' really…really like ya…more than jus'…as friends. 'N…I like being with ya, so…I was wonderin' if maybe you'd want to stay by my side fer th' long haul…because I can't imagine living th' rest of my life with anyone else. _You're_ th' one that I want."

At this point, Kazuha was smiling like crazy, shaking her head, and crying while she held her free hand over her mouth in absolute astonishment.

Taking these as signs of ecstatic encouragement, Heiji concluded, "So will ya go out with me?"

"Yes," Kazuha whispered, leaning in and pressing a kiss as gentle and soft as a butterfly's wing to his lips. She pulled back and giggled in sheer joy.

And it was then that the party poppers went off, balloons appeared out of nowhere, and confetti and streamers rained down in torrents from the ceiling. The lovely, romantic setting was quickly replaced with celebratory ruckus as the whole gang piled into the study, clapping and whistling and screaming their heads off in their immense relief.

Because the idiot couple had _finally_ managed to get together after countless years.

"I thought they'd never make it to this point," Sonoko sighed in mental and emotional exhaustion.

"I had faith in them," Ran chuckled, waving one of the "I 3 Heizuha" flags that Kaito had made for them.

"I didn't." Saguru joined Sonoko in the sigh-fest.

Kaito shot his boyfriend and friend both dirty looks before lavishing his attentions on Kazuha. "Congrats! And the good news is that it's not too late for you two to have your first Christmas Eve as a couple together! Eating at a fancy restaurant is kind of out at this point, since all the good places are booked solid tonight, but you guys can head out and walk around looking at the Christmas lights. Whadda ya say?" the matchmaker goaded. "Huh?"

Heiji, who had gone back into tsundere mode, shrank and squirmed at the suggestion as well as all of the attention directed his way. But instead of getting prickly in defense, he turned to Kazuha and asked in a mumbled, "Would ya like that?"

She nodded. "Very much."

Without further ado, the new couple was pretty literally thrown out of the house with their coats following close behind them.

"And don't come back until dawn!" Kaito cackled, shutting the door behind them, leaving them to start their love journey together.

Kaito beamed as he congratulated himself on the successful launch of the fledgling lovers, but his celebration was cut short as Shinichi called out, "Hey! Who's planning on cleaning up my study?!"

Kaito's face paled. "Darling!" he called frantically. "I think it's time to go get engaged now!"

"I've got our coats," Saguru assured, passing Kaito's to him on their way out the door.

"Thanks for the party, Shin-chan! It was great!" Kaito called as he fled.

"Much obliged," Saguru added.

"Gotta go, Kudo-kun!" Sera chuckled as she slapped Shinichi on the back in parting. "Ran-chan and I have romantic plans of our own for the evening, otherwise we'd be right there with ya, up to our elbows in the glitter," she assured as she half pulled Ran out onto the porch.

And that left Sonoko.

With some reservation, Shinichi looked at his old rival, a miniscule fragment of hope in his eyes. Maybe she'd grant him her benevolence.

She gave him the queerest expression. Her face clearly read, "Why is this weirdo looking at me? What does he want?"

With a little snort, she inquired, "Can I help you, Kudo-kun?"

He grimaced. "That depends…you any good with a broom or a mop?"

Sonoko blinked. "You can't be serious."

"Afraid so?" Shinichi chuckled…or at least he tried to. It came out as more of a pathetic, weeping sound.

"I suggest you try Akako-san for the broom, and isn't your girlfriend quite the expert at mops?" she returned brusquely, gathering her things.

Shinichi sighed. "Ah. Yeah. Thanks, Sonoko."

"Any time." She smirked as she made her exit.

And that left Kudo Shinichi alone to clean up Kaito's mess.

This was the price of friendship—a dump truck's worth of glitter, streamers, balloons, and confetti. And it was probably all sticking due to the fake snow that had been going beforehand.

As he thought to himself that it might be less of a hassle just to demolish and rebuild the entire study, Shinichi mentally steeled himself for the long night ahead. He used his time well, though, planning Kaito's bachelor party, brainstorming all the possible ways of messing up the Hakuba Manor so that Kaito would have to deal with the mess.

The

End

…

Mikau: So that's my first Heizuha fic. Yay! You know, I think I grew to like Kazuha while writing this. I really gained a better understanding for her character. Well, hopefully you had fun reading this. Have a great 2016, everyone!


End file.
